Leech on a Freak/Transcript
(Kerry is in an interrogation room.) Kerry: This wasn't my fault. They brought me along for the ride, I swear. Cop: You're certain. Kerry: I know they don't like me much, but perhaps they have the decency to tell the truth. (the cop opens a window. Martha is on the other side.) Martha: He made us do it. He bribed me with bill payments. Oh hey Kerry. Kerry: Martha! Martha: Now where's that ice cream sandwich you promised me? Kerry: Well what about Autumn? (Autumn is revealed in another room.) Autumn: He's a monster. He gave me no choice, he beat him multiple times, I stopped counting at the sixth! Oh hey Kerry. Kerry: Autumn!? Autumn: Can I have that ice cream sandwich you promised me now? Kerry: Okay, what else could go wrong? (an anthropomorphic ice cream sandwich is revealed.) Ice cream sandwich man: He called himself the head honcho. He made me call him his superior. Nobody was exempt. Oh hello. Kerry: Uh... talking human sized ice cream sandwich man? Ice cream sandwich man: Can I have that human you promised me now? (intro plays) (in class) Tiberius: Did you hear about the latest street encounter? Dante: Heard of it? I've seen it on the news. Heard every stutter, every stammer, every piece of social awkwardness. Wayland: Wanna know something funny? He wasn't even that big of a celebrity. Only places I heard of him was on Tales from the Darkside, and was he in Forrest Gump? Phoebe: It's sad that one could be brought to their metaphoric knees just by being in the presence of a man from South Dakota. Colleen: Shut up. Phoebe: Excuse me? Colleen: So I crumbled? So what? Dante: That was you? Oh, I-I didn't know, but you've gotta admit that was pretty funny. Colleen: Sure, if you weren't in my shoes. Sam: Oh lay off, so you're shy. Some of the greatest heroes of all time are shy. Colleen: Correction, they used to be shy or are so little shy you wouldn't notice until you read a character summary. Sam: I know you're thick but you don't have to be a jerk about it. (Ms. Chapley comes in.) Ms. Chapley: Sorry I'm late class, Principal Kadic had me fix a broken wall at his house, and I had to use my own money for the supplies. Now today, let's continue our lesson on reimbursement. I want one thousand dollars in this box- (Clifford comes in.) Ms. Chapley: What's your excuse? Clifford: Had to go to the ear doctor. Here's my note. Ms. Chapley: Some day you'll slip up and I'll give you such a lesson. Clifford: Hey Dixon, I saw you on TV, I gotta say it takes a lot of guts to lose it in front of a borderline nobody. Colleen: Yeah... I guess. Alison: Leave her alone Clifford. Clifford: Leave her alone Clifford, how about you let her fight her own battles? What're you, her mom? I get you don't have one anymore, some coping mechanism. (the intercom buzzes.) Cosmo: Attention folks, don't be alarmed, but a shipment of leeches was dropped recently. If you see those leeches, kindly pick them up and bring them to me. Thank you. (to Cosmo.) Cosmo: Why me of all people? (we see Jerv, Preston, Andy, Chris, Mike, Martha and Autumn are present) Jerv: You filled out the paperwork Cosmo, plus the Perrino estate's getting fumigated. Cosmo: Why not have the shipment sent to your house? Preston: Are you kidding? They'd be all over the place if the tank was dropped. Cosmo: Now why leeches of all things? Jerv: They're performance enhancing leeches. Pills, drinks, candy bars, they wrought grim results, but with leeches, it's a sure fire thing. My mother said so. Yes. Andy: He's got a point. Thanks to these leeches I've become three percent less agitated. A woman came up to me and I merely told her to leave me alone. Chris: I noticed more inflection in my voice with my leech, had to get the darn thing off. Mike: It helped me get through to the staff at my restaurant. Autumn: You used the leech on yourself to? Mike: Me? No way. I had the leeches modified to make my employees talk less. Martha: I didn't get any changes with mine. Preston: That's because you're too far gone. Martha: Why're you treating it like it's a bad thing? (in the cafeteria. Colleen's eating lunch.) Colleen: Alison, do you think I'm... shy? Alison: I think we've had this conversation weeks ago. But yes. Colleen: And I guess that's okay with you, huh? Alison: Shyness is common, and you shouldn't let people make fun of you for being shy. Instead, you should be angry at them, how dare they attack the shy ones!? What, we're not confident enough for you!? Colleen: I'm shy, but I'm not the angry type. Wonder what else is wrong with me? (Jenny walks past them and slips on spilled orange juice.) Jenny: WOAH! (Colleen grabs her.) Colleen: Yay! I caught you! (It cuts to the back of Jenny, a green appendage is sticking out of her, holding her up.) Jenny: Yep, sure did. (Jenny walks away and the appendage retracts back into her.) Jenny: Erg! Colleen: Well, at least I'm not getting routinely teased over it. Clifford: Hey Dixon, I'm thinking of a number between one and one hundred, what is it? Colleen: Forty? Clifford: Correct. Here's your prize! (Clifford dunks Colleen in a trash bin.) Clifford: If it makes you feel better, you would've been dunked regardless. Alison: What's your deal? Why Colleen of all people? Clifford: Trust me, you don't want any routine beatdowns. Alison: Someday, someone's going to knock you down. Clifford: Then I'll savor the high time I've got. Alison: We won't. Clifford: You should be grateful you have a bully like me. I'm no Butch McAshley. Alison: Wait, who? Clifford: Allow me to explain. A Butch is an archetypical individual who's motives are merely to hurt people and be a general nuisance. An Ashley is more of the same, but more vain and unlikeable. These combined typically have no clear motive for their bad behavior, nor do they have any sense of self-awareness. When I go after people, I try to make it funny, they wouldn't, and they would make school life worse than it already is. Alison: Please, who could be worse than you? (later at recess, we see Selma with Dolly in a headlock.) Selma: What rich girl has a euro in her lunch money? Dolly: That was totally my lucky coin! Selma: Well it didn't do jack at the vending machine! (Selma is grabbed by the throat) Selma: GYH! (Selma is thrown to the ground. She looks behind her and sees a giant boy, Coby) Selma: I got the hint! (Selma runs off.) Dolly: Oh thank you thank you thank you for totally saving me back there! (Coby punches Dolly in the face and she begins crying. The other students see this.) Ashley: Hey, what's going on? (Selma runs up to them) Selma: MAD BEAST! Ashley: Huh? Selma: That big guy over there. Angela: Welcome wagon? Ruth: Def. (the girls charge toward him, later cutting to black.) (it fades in to the hallway at the end of the day. A coat hanger emerges from one of the lockers, picking open the latch and loosening the door. Ashley is seen inside.) Ashley: Fi? Is the coast clear? Fiona: This poster's blocking the slits. Phoebe: Just a thought, but why're we not in our own lockers? (Colleen emerges from a garbage can.) Colleen: And why am I in a garbage can? Sam: You snooze you lose. Jenny: And no offense, but you're not shy, you're shy and weak. Colleen: Story of my life. (unknown to Colleen, a leech attaches itself to her head.) Jupiter: I think he's gone. He would've heard us by now. Alison: All clear everyone! (everyone emerges from their hiding spots.) Coby: Boo. (everyone screams.) Coby: It's gonna be a slaughter. Victor: I'M TOO YOUNG TO BE CLOBBERED! Coby: All the dudes could leave. Victor: Oh okay, aim for the heads because there's nothing down there. Julie: Thanks, you're a jerk. Victor: Is that a crime? (the boys leave) Cody: Who wants to go first? Colleen: Why don't you eat a pear? (everyone looks to Colleen, standing in the trash can.) Colleen: You don't scare me. Alison: What're you doing Colleen? Colleen: Speaking my mind. Ruth: Seems more like a distraction, how brave of you. Coby: I hear a lot of barking, but where's the bite? Colleen: I'd be lucky if I could sink my upper jaw into your wrist, piggoid. Coby: What're you trying to say? Colleen: Oh joy, another bigger they are the slower they are type. Coby: You wanna fight? Colleen: You said it, not me. The slab at recess, one week from now, enjoy the dangling while you can. Coby: Enjoy the dangling you'll be doing from the flagpole. (Coby leaves) (it goes to Luther with Cosmo and co.) Luther: I dunno, this seems kinda risky. Cosmo: It's surefire, and besides, you could remove them whenever you want. Luther: What's the rate? (it returns to the girls) Alison: Okay, what did you eat out of that can? Colleen: Some cheese doodles, a swig of cumquat juice, somehow the doodles were worse. Sam: What's wrong with this picture? You picked a fight with someone twice your size and now you're making direct eye contact. Colleen: I got better, and now you all want me to be weak again so you could knock me down to size? Sam: Uh... Colleen: I feel better now than I have ever been, get used to it. Alison: Colleen, that dude's bigger than you. If you go into the ring with him you'll be as dead as disco. Colleen: Maybe I will, maybe I won't, but I'm going anyways. (Colleen walks by Cosmo and co.) Cosmo: There's your rate. Luther: Sold! (back to the girls. Tiberius approaches them.) Ruth: Ty, what gives? (Tiberius opens his mouth. Francis is heard.) Francis: Hey, it's Francis. I want all of you to meet me in the dumpster in the school's back alley as soon as you can. I got some more info on our monster of a schoolmate. Bernadette: Wicked hiding spot. Francis: Yeah... hiding spot. (it cuts to the back of Tiberius. Francis is wedged up Tiberius' posterior) (it goes to the dumpster, with all the girls present.) Alison: Okay Franny, what've you got? Francis: I wasn't sure if it was the same guy, but after taking the year long gap into account, which could explain how he got so big, I could conclude that it's Coby. You all remember my slumber party right? (all speak in agreement.) Alison: But I don't know. Francis: Oh right, some of you either weren't in or around at the time. (flashback. It goes to the girls playing in Francis' room.) Francis *narration*: At one of my slumber parties. It pains me to talk about it, these were always fun. Anyways, remember Cleo? Ruth *voiceover*: That awkward girl with the braces and big blue eyes? Francis: Yep, and for the sake of clarity, she's Coby's sister. Anyway, she went downstairs to get us all snacks, Coby was there and... Jerry: He beat the snot out of her? Francis: Don't interrupt someone who's more powerful than you! But yes, we came down to check on her and she was unconscious, Coby beside her and all. (end of flashback.) Dante: Did he... Francis: Frankie Campbell her? No, she was put into a coma and her folks moved her back to Cincinnati and she's been on life support ever since. Dante: Somehow that's worse. Francis: Whatever the case, I couldn't let that pass. Coby was sent to juvie and I stopped hosting my weekly slumber parties, it just didn't feel right without Cleo. Bernadette: That's heavy. You have a pool and a widescreen TV. Clifford: LEAVE ME ALONE! (the girls look out the dumpster and see Coby beating up Clifford.) Coby: You want some more!? Clifford: No, no I don't! Coby: Good. (Coby walks away. A van nearly hits him, and Coby drives his fist into the hood before walking away) Cosmo: Hey! You dented my Astro! (it goes to the inside of the van, where Cosmo, his friends and Lars are present) Lars: So why do you have me out here again? Cosmo: You know those leeches you sent to me- Lars: Because my house was getting fumigated, I know about that, but why drag me out here? You could've just called. Jerv: It's better we show you to drive the point home. Preston: We've lost the leeches, but, they seem to have found their way to most of our students. Cosmo: I've noted their typical personalities. I intend to study the affected ones and note any potential changes. Lars: Didn't you say your friends were affected by the leeches too? Andy: Yeah, were. Lars: There's no point to me being here, this isn't even the main plot, and that boy is freaking me out. Cosmo: Wait. (the adults notice an abundance of leeches on Coby.) Cosmo: Is that an unprecedented side-effect? Lars: So, anyone up for Jeopardy? Cosmo: We have to get those leeches! And any others we could find! Mike: And we have to help you? Cosmo: You could borrow my kids' old clothes. Chris: I have a sudden urge to run you over. Cosmo: Okay, I've got a better idea. (the next day. Everyone's in class. Cosmo gives an announcement.) Cosmo: Morning one and all. Today we're hosting a physical, attendance is mandatory, so if you decide to skip it so help me I'll hunt you down and mount your heads on my wall. That is all. (it goes to Cosmo and co in the gym.) Martha: Surprised you weren't more upfront. Cosmo: These leeches are clearly unpredictable. I think if they knew about the leeches they'd run off the moment we try to step in. Autumn: And the plot? Cosmo: That too. So far, we have personality swings and growth if multiple leeches are on the body. You guys have to search every nook and cranny. Lars: What about you? Cosmo: Me? I'm going to hide in the vents until this whole thing blows over. You guys be careful, those kids could be dangerous. (Cosmo runs off.) (the kids enter the gym. The physical immediately plays out.) Martha: Okay, everyone came out clean except for miss Marilyn Shaye, who knew goths could be so happy? Autumn: Looks like a Mister Coby Barnes and a Miss Colleen Dixon didn't show up today. Andy: Don't worry, we're one step ahead of her. (it goes to Colleen at her locker. Preston knocks her out and carries her to the gym.) Jerv: That's two steps too many. Preston: I get it, mom. (it goes to the gym. Colleen wakes up and sees the adults.) Autumn: Hey sleepy head. Colleen: What's going on? Martha: You missed your physical. Colleen: I'm fine, I already sent my health records when I was enrolled here. Jerv: What's one checkup? Preston: Colleen, we need to examine you. Colleen: Back off. Preston: It'll be over before you- (Colleen punches Preston's hand.) Colleen: LEAVE ME ALONE! (Colleen runs out of the room.) Cosmo: Like I said, dangerous. Mike: Let's just get her tomorrow. Lars: I don't think so, her changes have spiked within a day, who knows how much worse it'll get? (it then goes to the next morning. Colleen awakens and smashes her alarm clock. Only her shadow is present as she slowly ventures outside. It pans to Bob and Enid's bedroom. We see both are hiding in their closet.) Enid: Well? Bob: Not yet. (it goes to Kerry outside. Colleen passes him.) Kerry: HOLY- *a cat screech covers the next part* (Kerry runs inside. He hears something in his bathroom and opens the curtains to his shower, Cosmo and co are present.) Kerry: Okay, are you going to go quietly or do I have to call the police? Chris: Kind sir, we'd be glad to pay whatever fees you throw at us. I'm a christian. Kerry: First off, Chris, you and I go to the same synagogue. Second, you're the reason Colleen is so, well, high and mighty am I right? Cosmo: We're not in on the business. Lars: Yeah we didn't genetically modify- Martha: Quiet! Don't tell him how we let loose genetically modified leeches as part of a scam and they have brutal side effects. Kerry: Thought so. Look, you guys can't run from your problems. Cosmo: You're right. I can run much faster, and this window leads to the woods out back! (Cosmo jumps out the window.) Cosmo: I'M LATE FOR WORK! (it goes to the school. Alison is wandering down the hall. She sees Coby talking to Suzy.) Suzy: What do you mean you wanna take on the winner? Coby: I want her to dangle a little longer. Suzy: Why? She wasn't there but she would've hurt you if she was. Alison: Talking to Suzy? I don't know who's crazier now. ???: Psst, Alison. (Alison looks around and is pulled into the janitor's closet. She sees it's Clifford.) Alison: Can I help you? Clifford: I needed to get this off my chest, and you seem like the kind of person who wouldn't, you know, make me not live it down. I want my spot back... (Clifford holds Alison and cries.) Alison: I don't want anyone to hold that spot, but given how vicious and, quite frankly, unoriginal Coby is, I guess you're the best option. Clifford: That's why I plan on fighting him. I convinced him to fight the winner. Alison: Wait, that means you're fighting Colleen! Clifford: Relax, I'll go easy on her. She's become more rotten but she's still a pipsqueak. It'll be a wash. (they feel various thumps.) Clifford: C-coby? (everyone looks in the hallway. They see Colleen, who's now triple her size and bulkier.) Colleen: After school. Be there. Coby: You don't scare me. Suzy: You bet she doesn't. Ashley: Did that go well? Suzy: Shut up. Alison: I'm not convinced you're Colleen. Colleen: Friend! (Colleen grabs and hugs Alison.) Alison: Medic! Clifford: It's either this or Hume... (the end of the day. Everyone is gathered by a makeshift steel cage. The kids, along with Cosmo and his friends are present.) Cosmo: Okay, I see it like this, if Colleen could somehow get knocked out, we could get the leeches off of her while she's unconscious. Mike: By we, you mean you, this is wearing on my patience. Andy: Mine especially, this takes asinine to a whole new level. Veronica: Could you keep it down? I just got one of those enhancement leeches and I need to see if it fought my urge to use my dad's credit card. (the leech shrivels and falls off.) Veronica: Hey, the urge is still here. Cosmo: Wait, so the leeches just die off after a few hours or so? Lars: I gave her that about a week ago. Cosmo: So we just have to wait? That's- Andy: Good. Cosmo: But that's just rush- Andy: It's good, the issue will resolve itself, we don't need to worry about this anymore, because let me tell you, I'm drained. Cosmo: Some friend. Andy: Takes one to know one. I need something new. HEY CHELSEA! Chelsea: What!? Andy: You and the girls up for some sports bloopers!? Chelsea: Can it be after the fight!? Andy: Fine by me. Chris: Money's on the underdog. (it goes to the inside of the ring. Colleen, Coby and Tommy are present.) Tommy: Welcome to the backyard cage. The first rule of the cage, you do not talk about the fight. Second rule, you do not talk about fighting one another. Third rule, when one of you taps out, goes limp, can't keep going, the fight's over. Fourth rule, only you two are allowed in the ring, no help from the outside. Fifth rule, one fight will suffice, no rematch unless it's cleared with the board. Sixth rule, no fancy shirts or new shoes, those will turn into evidence. Seventh rule, the fight will go on for as long as it needs to. Eight rule, if you made the call to action, you have to honor it. You've gotta fight. (Tommy leaves the cage.) Tommy: Begin! (Colleen and Coby start fighting.) Jenny: It's all you Colleen! Selma: Avenge me... whatever you've become! Suzy: Go Coby! Take her down! Elizabeth: This is no time to be a contrarian! Suzy: Whatever. Dolly: Hey, you're totally unscathed. Elizabeth: Yeah, where were you when Coby first reared his head? Suzy: It's a coincidence, and none of you can prove otherwise. (a girl rushes to Francis) Anna: Franny! Franny Franny Franny Franny Franny Franny Franny- Francis: What is it? Anna: Cleo's awake! She's on the line. Francis: Really? Anna: Just happened. (Anna hands Francis the phone.) Francis: Cleo? It it- Oh my gosh I thought you were a goner! Well yeah I've seen your brother, he tried to do to us what he did to you years ago. Had no choice? What're you- I see, no I understand. (Francis runs to the other girls.) Francis: I think Coby's innocent. Alison: Why? Francis: Cleo's alive. She told me Coby was forced to do it. That she'd ruin his life. Elizabeth: I think I know who. All: Suzy? Elizabeth: It was kinda weird how she didn't get any injury from the guy, I mean there is the chance she cozied up to him to avoid a beatdown, but she's too wicked for that. Francis: We need to set the record straight, er, right after the fight. Got big money on- (the girls see Coby getting weak. The leeches on him drop and he shrinks down.) Cosmo: Say, when did Colleen get her leeches. Marie: I think I saw her putting more on before the fight. Cosmo: Gosh! Colleen: You're down for the count. I'm gonna knock you all the way down to Hornos Island. (Colleen readies to attack, but sees Coby is too terrified to fight back.) Colleen: Don't you wanna, you know? Coby: I can't. It's just gonna put me back in juvie. Suzy: Come on, you're as weak then as you are now, you can't even take on someone skinnier than you! You're pathetic, twig boy- (Coby knocks Suzy down.) Coby: Don't call me twig boy! Don't ever call me twig boy ever again! Suzy: How's road butter? (Suzy slams Coby into the cage. Colleen grabs Suzy and slams her against it.) Suzy: Let go of me you mutant! Colleen: It's people like you that made me do this to myself! It's also people like you that drove this boy to bleed from inside out! All those years of people making fun of me for being shy, harping on me because I respond to social norms differently, and you expect me to just let it rub off? (Colleen slams Suzy around.) Sam: Let's hope she forgives as well as she brawls. Coby: That's enough! Don't let her overcome you, if you kill her, you'll just let her get to you. (Colleen lets Suzy down and sits at the edge of the ring, Coby joins her.) Coby: She beat up my sister. Had I not taken the fault for her she would've spent the rest of her life tormenting me. It's stupid, but I crumple worse under pressure. Colleen: Why do you think I've been abusing these leeches? Coby: I think you'd be much stronger without them. You don't need any enhancements to prove your strength. Do you get what I mean? Colleen: Yes. I do. (Colleen removes her leeches and returns to normal.) Clifford: Now just to be clear, I'm the top bully again, right? Coby: I guess. Clifford: Alright happy ending! Andy: Is that it? Are we needed anymore? Is this leech business done with? Lars: Believe me I want it to be. From now on I'm focusing on cheap direct-to-video movies. Cosmo: So where does that leave me? Chris: In the dust, you've worn us all out today. Cosmo: Darn. Candy: Don't be so harsh on him guys. Allison: You're right, guess he isn't the worst guy we've dealt with today. Autumn: Okay Cosmo, tell you what. We'll put the volume on the TV loud enough so you could hear it from your house. Cosmo: Thanks... you're the greatest friends I could ever ask for. (end)